The following article is reprinted and distributed with the permission of the author. Sandler, Bernice. 1995."On Balance-- Women as Mentors: Myths and Commandments" in Educational Horizons, Vol. 73 (3), p. 105-107. 

The best way to succeed is to have a mentor. This myth is partly based on flawed research. Typically, the re- searcher asks people defined as successful if they had mentors. other factors that also might have played a role in their success are not examined. Mentoring can be important, but it is not necessarily essential. Probably 25 percent of professionals, or fewer, have had the strong, intense relationships that we traditionally call mentoring. It is hard to know how many people actually have had mentors because supportive relationships with friends, colleagues, or bosses may be described as "personal" relationships rather than as mentoring, especially when women assist women. Mentoring is always beneficial. Close, intense relationships can, indeed, be helpful. But social networks also can be extraordinarily useful in providing information, support, and many of the benefits provided by mentors. Further, mentoring can have some significant disadvantages that are rarely acknowledged or discussed: 

Mentoring relationships are generally exclusive, so that all of one's eggs are in one basket. The more intense the relationship, the more potential for disruption and damage if it ever becomes necessary to break out of it. The mentoring process takes time, energy, and emotional commitment on both sides, which may also mean more isolation for the person being mentored, even though relationships with others might be equally as valuable. 

Relying primarily on a mentor for emotional support, as well as for information, evaluation, coaching, and introductions, means that the mentor has to be superior on all fronts-a hard task for any human being. 

Relationships in social networks, however, often involve reciprocal exchanges of information and allow people to draw information and support from a number of quarters as they need assistance. In one study of managers (J.P. Kotter, The General Managers, The Free Press, 1982), the people judged most effective on the job were the people with the largest social networks. 

In a mentoring relationship, the mentor, not the protegee, typically sets the agenda. It is the mentor who decides what that relationship will be like. In social networks, by contrast, people have more say in determining what kind of help they need and how to get it. 

The mentor should be older than the person being mentored. This myth assurnes that the relationship is deter- mined in large part by a difference in the ages of participants, rather than by other factors such as experience and interpersonal skills. A person doesn't have to be middle-aged or older to be a good mentor to someone else. Also, older people, whether they are returning students or already established in careers, may also need mentoring. 

A person can have only one mentor at a time. Having multiple mentors and a variety of social networks expands a person's ability to develop allies and alliances. Relying on several people also means that the mentoring functions can be split up. For example, one person might be good at providing informal advice about the institution; another might provide better insights and information about jobs in a particular field. 

Acknowledging the need to rely on several people can help avoid a futile search for the "perfect" mentor. Seeking multiple mentors also may make it more likely that women will have some access to male mentors, because the discomfort that many men feel in entering into intense mentoring relationships with women may be alleviated if they are performing only some of the functions. 

Mentoring is all for the benefit of the protegee. Mentoring is a two-way street. Mentors receive some benefits, too, such as earning a reputation for spotting new talent; otherwise they would have no motivation to do it. Besides the typical research assistance provided by the protegee, the person being mentored can provide fresh insights and information about new problems or programs with which the mentor may be unfamiliar. Mentoring also may be one of the few ways in which some men feel that it is acceptable to be nurturing. 

If you are seeking a mentor, you have to wait to be asked. Unlike an old-fashioned dance, women do not have to wait passively for a senior person to notice their achievements and choose to help them. By actively seeking mentors, women can make themselves more visible as up-and- comers in a profession. 

When a man mentors a woman, the chances are great that it will develop into a sexual encounter Is it possible and does it happen? Yes. But the same thing can happen when men mentor men and women mentor women. Certainly, a woman needs to be aware of any sexual messages given by the mentor. If they can't be deflected, she must get out of the relationship as gracefully and as quickly as possible. If help is needed to end the relationship, someone who is familiar with sexual-harassment issues can be helpful. A more frequent disadvantage for women being mentored by men are the innuendoes about the relationship from people who find it hard to believe that any relationship between a man and woman is not sexual. 

Men are better mentors for women. This is partially true, to the extent that men are more likely to be powerful people and thus able to open more doors. But at least one study has shown that male mentors were more likely to direct their protegees and therefore to be disappointed if they did not follow their advice. The study found, in contrast, that female mentors were more likely to encourage and affirm their protegees' career choices; they apparently had less emotional investment in having their protegees follow in their footsteps. Also, male mentors may be largely work-focused and ignore personal issues that affect those with whom they are working, while women mentors often show interest in both the personal and professional lives of their students. 

The mentor always knows best. Mentors are human like the rest of us and may make mistakes or deliberately exploit the protegee: 

A mentor may misperceive the student's potential and set goals that are too high or too low. 

As the protegee grows and develops professional stature, the mentor may find it difficult to let go or move to a more collegial relationship, thus increasing the likelihood that the protegee's development will be stifled or that a breach will occur. 

A mentor may deliberately or inadvertently use the mentoring relationship to get help and recognition for his or her own projects, at the expense of aiding the protegee's interests. For example, rather than clarifying options for research, the mentor may try to pressure the student to work in a particular area that will help enhance the mentor's standing. 

The mentor may give well-intentioned and correct advice on how to get ahead, but at the expense of the protegee's own research interests-for example, by dissuading the student from pursuing research in newer and more controversial areas. 

Despite the variety of potential pitfalls in mentoring, some can be mitigated or avoided if what I call "the Ten Commandments of Mentoring" are followed: 

1. Don't be afraid to be a mentor. Many people, especially women, underestimate the amount of knowledge that they have about the academic system or their organization, the contacts they have, and the avenues they can use to help someone else. A person does not have to be at the absolute top of his or her profession or discipline to be a mentor. Teaching assistants can mentor other graduate students, graduate students can mentor undergraduates, undergraduate majors can help those beginning the major. 

2. Remember that you don't have to fulfill every possible function of a mentor to be effective, but let your protegees know where you are willing to help and what kind of information or support you can give that you believe will be particularly helpful. Be clear about whether you are willing to advise on personal issues, such as suggestions about how to balance family and career responsibilities. 

3. Clarify expectations about how much time and guidance you are prepared to offer. 

4. Let protegees know if they are asking for too much or too little of your time. 

5. Be sure to give criticism, as well as praise, when warranted, but present it with specific suggestions for improvement. Do it in a private and non-threatening context. Giving criticism in the form of a question can be helpful, as in "Do you think the research would be better if?" 

6. Where appropriate, "talk up" your protegee's accomplishments to others in your department and institution, as well as at conferences and other meetings. 

7. Include protogees in informal activities whenever possible-- lunch, discussions following meetings or lectures, dinners during academic conferences. 

8. Teach protegees how to seek other career help whenever possible, such as money to attend workshops or release time for special projects. 

9. Work within your institution to develop formal and informal mentoring programs and to encourage social networks as well. Work to ensure that accurate information is provided formally to all interested persons, through the use of printed materials and meetings. 

10. Be willing to provide support for people different from yourself. I have always believed that it is far easier for women than it is for many men to cross boundaries such as race, color, ethincity, class, and religion in working with others. But we all need to practice this skill and avoid the temptation to assist only those with whom we feel the most comfortable, those who are the closest to being clones of ourselves. 

***About the author: Dr. Bernice Sandler is a Senior Scholar in Residence at the Washington-based National Association for Women in Education where she writes their quarterly newsletter, "About Women on Campus." She often speaks at conferences and on campus and regularly consults with colleges and universities about sexual harassment, how men and women are treated differently in the classroom, and other equity issues. She also serves as an expert witness in discrimination and sexual harassment both in academe and in the workplace.