| I hate to
be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about
it.
Christmas is
a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of
men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's
as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3
p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant
men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall,
they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets,
and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send
them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous
relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.)
On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he
were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to
find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem
for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would
be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season
had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to
the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer,
he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get
lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for
directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable
delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect
and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also
need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace and get
under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men
can't pack a bag.
- Men
would rather be dead than caught wearing red
velvet.
- Men
would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all
those elves.
- Men don't answer their
mail.
- Men
would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
- Men aren't interested
in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having
to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up
women.
- Finally,
being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters
are men....
Father
Time shows up once a year unshaven
and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
Cupid
flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals
could pass the
testosterone screening test.
But not St.
Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will,
peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song",
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just
wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!
Author Unknown Happy Holidays!!
|
IS
A WOMAN!